The very concept of Valentine’s Day receives mixed reviews. For those with loved ones (who they can stand and are still having sex with), it is a chance to share the love. For those who are single, it’s a gut-wrenching day that usually ends in greasy takeout and porn. What if we unleashed anarchy on Valentine’s Day, kicked Cupid in the
balls, cranked up Marilyn Manson’s “Tainted Love” and made it a day for celebrating self-love and personal freedom? If flowers irritate you and couples’ cards make you want to cut yourself, I’ve assembled a basket of things that will make you feel better.
 
Chocolate is for wimps
The easiest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, or in this case, yours. Take a bite out of this and pretend you’re eating his heart. It’s sweet not sour, weighs a pound, comes in cherry flavour only, is gluten-free — and the only thing it’ll cost you is $25. Available: Rolo Store, 24 Bellair St, rolostore.com
 
Stomp out your love
Giving your foot slave a hard-on will be easy when you’re wearing Dr Martens’ red leather Capper boots. These are what Valentine’s Day is really about: thumping around so loud you let everyone know you are coming. $260. Available: drmartens.com
 
Chest bump 
Ditch your I’m With Stupid T-shirt for this offering from Killer Bob, featuring two Cupids chest bumping to show their love. Whether you’re celebrating a new crush or just an ongoing bromance, this shirt gives off a cool and fun vibe. $24. Available: killerbob.com
 
Back Bacon
Designed for renegades hunting for piggy sex, this product brings breakfast and anal sex together at last: it’s a condom-safe lubricant that tastes and smells just like bacon. Tasty enough to cook with, it was used in the YouTube show Epic Gourmet. Whether your code name for sex becomes “heating up some bacon” is up to you; either way, it’s guaranteed to sizzle. $16. Available: Rolo Store, 24 Bellair St, rolostore.com
 
Backdoor Bandit
Give them a look at your assets with Male Power’s Fishbowl trunks. Made of spandex and featuring see-through plastic panels on the front and back, it shows everything yet doesn’t make it accessible for touching — the perfect tease. $26. Available: jockstrapcentral.com