Will Justin get blockage?

Winter is hard on glamour. The slate-grey landscape is coated in oily slush and gritty salt and, on this night, the windchill is 12 below. Clearly, it’s time for banana daiquiris. fab has been offered a new drink blender called the Back-to-Basics Smoothie Elite. The photo on the box is of a sleek “brushed chrome” kitchen blender with a stylish dispenser valve in front, surrounded by tropical fruit, resting on a table by the beach.

An “elite” drink-maker demands a professional tester. At 25, Justin de Guzman is one of the newest bartenders at the swank stand-and-model martini bar lüb, and an aspiring photographer whose range, he says, includes fashion spreads and dead squirrels. No stranger to chrome glamour, Justin has invited us to his boyfriend’s two-walls-of-windows condo to give this sleek appliance the sophisticated setting it deserves. Or so we think.

“It’s plastic!” Justin gasps as he opens the box. “That’s my first disappointment – things that look like metal but really are not. And the pitcher is plastic too. I was expecting some heavy-duty glassware in there.” He begins loading the pitcher with juice, bananas, raspberries, ice and rum, leaning on the plastic lid. “I don’t trust it,” he says. “It doesn’t feel sturdy.” Hitting the “mix” button, Justin tests out a unique feature of this smoothie-maker: a black, knobby stopper with a stir stick that can be used for a better blend. While it comes in handy, it unfortunately looks like a butt plug on a stick. “This looks disgusting,” Justin laughs as he stirs the mix.

The daiquiri now smooth, Justin uses the dispenser valve but warns, “The pour spout seems like a bad idea. If it doesn’t blend evenly, you’re just gonna get blockage in there.” Our second batch proves him right as the spout clogs and the pitcher pours badly, but despite the mess, the drinks turn out smooth and tasty. “It crushed up the ice really well,” the bartender admits. “I’m impressed by that.”

Justin concludes, “It’s definitely fun, just not very practical.” He admits the under-$50 price tag makes it a tempting one-time party gimmick. “You could have one of those Mexican parties with everyone in Mexican shirts and sombreros having a margarita or a daiquiri. But it’s definitely something you’d hide,” he laughs. “You wouldn’t want to showcase this on your counter!”

The Back-to-Basics Smoothie Elite is available at Kitchen Stuff Plus for $48.

scott dagostino