Story Images:

Bitches in berets - by Christopher Ocean

The validation, support, and acceptance we’re looking for outside the gay community isn’t even something we’re willing to give ourselves within the gay community. The great war we’re fighting is amongst ourselves.

Yes, gay men have worked together to forge continued progress within social and health issues that touch all of society. We’ve supported each other through a difficult history and have continued to obtain more rights and freedoms for ourselves. Amazing trails have been blazed for the emergence of many flavours of expression within our community. This celebration of diversity, however, has emerged alongside a desire for segregation and division. We’ve labelled and boxed ourselves into a collection of categories and subcultures. We’ve taken our preferences for certain sexual practices or tastes in fashion and created walls with them. These labels have value when our desire is to create a snapshot of ourselves. They can act as signposts toward finding like-minded playmates. They point us towards those who’ve filled their treasure maps with trails like ours. Often, though, we use these labels as tools to put down others’ choices. We wield them to denigrate, set aside and judge those who’ve made different choices than our own around how we choose to express our sexuality or structure our relationships. We use them to set ourselves apart from one another.

For many of us, during the coming out process, the bulk of our support came from members of the gay community. So many of our experiences up until and during that journey bear striking resemblances to each other. These similarities bring with them an opportunity for empathy and connection. Many of us then build other connections through shared experience. Through our explorations, as we make decisions on how we want to express ourselves, our emotions and our sexuality, we often reject those who see things differently, who express themselves in different ways. We surround ourselves with those who agree with us. Then we collectively reject those who don’t fit into our circle. Gay men aren’t alone in the practice of putting others down. The ability to judge or reject another has nothing to do with one’s sexual preferences. What’s unique in our case is our manic celebration of the judgment and criticism we have for each other.

Be bitter, bitchy, or catty, and you’ll bring many gay men to a state of rapture. Use a self-deprecating tone, or use wit to put someone down, and chances are it’ll be seen as hilarious and praiseworthy. I’ll admit I’ve been entertained by humour that puts others down. We’re all laughing, but do we really feel better? Brutal honesty is a thing of value, but when will we stop rewarding ourselves for being assholes? Let’s celebrate how amazingly bitchy and judgmental we can be, but let’s also ask ourselves why we’re so jaded, and why we’re forever trying to create an illusion of superiority over those outside our clique.

The actions and words of others we criticize and can’t stand are reflections of the things inside ourselves that we fear and judge. Those who trigger anger and resentment in us provide an opportunity to examine and revisit our buried fears and wounds. As we explore and love ourselves for all that we are, we will begin to recognize ourselves in one another. Ultimately, we don’t need to accept another’s choices as our own. If we’d rather not interact with someone, or not participate in their way of moving through the world, we don’t need to. We can, however let them be who they are, and allow them to create their unique selves. All of us want to be appreciated and accepted for who we are. We’re all looking for love, validation and understanding. We can choose to extend ourselves and be those things for each other as we nurture and support ourselves in our choices, with all our quirks, ins and outs. We can create environments of understanding for ourselves by bringing some awareness to our own motivations and communication.

There’s so much more we can offer each other – openness and honesty in our interactions, the desire to resolve our differences, support for the expression of personal truths. We’ll never find the love and acceptance we’re looking for in society if we’re not willing to give it to ourselves. We can go so much further on our journey toward acceptance if we’re willing to allow those around us their choices, and by being conscious communicators. Let’s celebrate each other’s journeys towards new discoveries, greater self-awareness and growth. We’re all here to experience existence in whatever way we choose. Why not experience it all with joy, appreciation and openness? Let’s have our fun with toy soldiers, but let’s pull out our Ken dolls, too, and explore our dreams, our creative selves, our playfulness, and our sense of wonder. War is over – if you choose to end it.

• Christopher Ocean is an artist and graphic designer in Toronto. His upcoming exhibit, “For the Love of Me,” will run throughout March at the Omega Centre Gallery, 29 Yorkville Ave. You can view and purchase his paintings online at www.christopherocean.com.