Merry and gay recipes
Heroine Marks gets seasonally stuffed with local recipes, perfect for entertaining any homo.

Tis the season to be fondled! Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la, grope. Since Halloween is more like every day of my life, Christmas is by far my favourite holiday. It’s not because a kid was supposedly born next to a goat from an allegedly virginal mother. That’s some Jerry Springer shit I don’t need to hear about. For me, it’s the food and drinks that I love the most, as if you haven’t noticed from my waistline. Food and an abundance of booze bring people together. Who doesn’t like rolling Aunt Greta out of the house, filled with turkey, gin and regret, on Christmas? Oh, to be six again. This Christmas, I will be attempting to make a few traditional dishes and drinks to contribute to my family’s table. To help me out in the kitchen, and mostly behind the bar, I turned to some of the savviest domesticated divas and bent restaurants for tips and recipes to make this Christmas unforgettable. At least until I have one too many glasses of eggnog.

My Mother’s Famous Stuffing by Daytona Bitch, Drag Idol 2008 winner and all around fabulous bitch Ingredients: ¼ cup of white bread pieces ¼ cup of whole wheat bread pieces ¾ teaspoon of sage ¾ teaspoon of poultry seasoning ¾ teaspoon of thyme 2 ½ celery stalks 4 green onions, chopped small 1 onion, chopped small 1 egg ¾ cup fresh chopped parsley Directions: In a frying pan melt ¼ cup of butter. Add celery, green onions and your onion and cook for 5 to 7 minutes. Add ¾ teaspoon of sage, poultry seasoning, thyme. Cut the crust off the bread and tear into small pieces, about the size of a dime bag of weed, and put it in a bowl. Add the hot butter and veggies to the bread along with an egg and, most importantly, ¾ cup of fresh chopped parsley. Mix it, stuff it in your bird and it’ll be done when your bird’s nice and brown. Tips: If your turkey is small, cut down on the size of your measurements to make it fit. When you are mixing this stuffing together, use the biggest pot or bowl you can and use your hands to mix it all up. Stuffing can be cooked inside the turkey or cooked in foil for about an hour. If you are putting it deep inside your bird, remember to clean and salt the inside. Also, drink while doing all of this because it’s Christmas bitch.	Candy Cane Martini 1. Make a martini 2. Put a candy cane in it 3. Drink and repeat until the crying begins
Christmas Bundles or How Do I Get All This Shit Out Of My Fridge? by Richard Ryder, comedian and mid-day host on 103.9 ProudFM Ingredients: 1 box Tenderflake puff pastry Leftovers from Christmas dinner (including cranberries) 1 egg, beaten Parchment paper Makes 8 bundles. Directions: First, the night before, leave a box of frozen puff pastry out to thaw. Preheat your oven to 400 degrees F. Roll out a block of puff pastry (there should be two) into a 20-inch long strip (it should already be about four inches wide) and cut it into five, four-inch squares. You should have 10 in total. Put a sheet of parchment paper on a cookie sheet then put the pastry squares on the parchment. Place various combos of your leftovers on the pastry squares. A bit of turkey, stuffing, gravy and potatoes never hurt anyone. Squash, stuffing, carrots and cranberries do well too. Broccoli, yams and gravy are a party in your mouth. Whichever way you build it, bring up the four corners and pinch them together then pinch the sides closed. You now have 10 bundles. With a pastry brush, or your fingers, give each bundle an egg wash with the beaten egg and bake them for 12 to 15 minutes or until golden brown. Remove and enjoy. I said ENJOY! Extra gravy can be used for dipping but it’s not necessary. Also this can be adapted into My Big Fat Gay Wedding Bundles (but eat ‘em quick before they separate) and First Communion Bundles, which are dry and tasteless so bring salt.
Spiked, Frosted & Spicy Cider by Corey Breau, Mr Leather Fellowship Toronto 2009 and dinner party fanatic This is a wonderful holiday drink that my dear ex-boyfriend back in New Brunswick and I created one Christmas while we decorated the tree and sat by the fireplace. That’s not to say you have to be in a couple to enjoy this. Make enough for two people and you’ll be single, fabulous and tipsy. Ingredients: 3 cups of apple juice 3 shots of spiced rum 1 teaspoon of cinnamon ¼ teaspoon of nutmeg Vanilla ice cream to taste Directions: Bring apple juice, cinnamon and nutmeg to a boil. Add rum and continue to boil but just long enough to heat up the rum because you don’t want to burn off all the alcohol. Serve in a fancy glass with a generous scoop of ice cream.
Traditional “Drunk for the Holidays” Eggnog by Patrick Marano, Morning show co-host on 103.9 ProudFM Get yourself toasted on alcoholic eggnog this Christmas. You’ll need an instant-read thermometer and a few hours of your day but that’s nothing compared to a potential afternoon of mindless sober small talk from prying judging family members. Ingredients: 6 large eggs, plus 2 yolks ½ cup, plus 2 tablespoons of sugar ¼ teaspoon of salt 4 cups whole milk ½ cup brandy or bourbon 1 tablespoon vanilla extract ½ teaspoon grated nutmeg ¼ cup heavy cream, whipped to soft peaks Grated nutmeg or similar garnish for decoration Directions: Combine eggs, egg yolks, sugar and salt in a heavy four-quart pan, whisking until combined. Continue whisking while pouring the milk in slowly. Turn on burner to lowest possible heat setting. Place your pan on the burner and stir the mixture continuously until your instant-read thermometer reaches 160 degrees F and the mixture thickens enough to coat the back of a spoon. Be patient boys, this should take 25 to 30 minutes. Strain mixture into a large bowl and add your booze plus vanilla extract and nutmeg. Stir to combine it all and pour it into a glass pitcher, decanter or container and cover it with a lid or plastic wrap. Refrigerate and serve in chilled cups or glasses and garnish with a sprinkle of nutmeg.
Lola’s Commissary Eggnog Cheesecake by Karen Balcom and Therese DeGrace, Lola’s Commissary, 643 Church St Ingredients: For the batter: 3 blocks of full-fat cream cheese, softened 12 egg yolks 1 cup of sugar 3 shots of spiced dark rum 1 teaspoon of ground nutmeg For the crust: 2 cups of ground graham crackers 1 cup of almonds, ground ½ teaspoon of nutmeg ½ cup of sugar ½ cup of butter, melted Directions: Preheat your oven to 375 degrees F. Brush a springform pan with butter and line the base with parchment paper. Combine all your ingredients for the crust in a bowl and press the mixture evenly into the base of the pan. In a food processor puree all ingredients for the cheesecake batter until smooth and pour batter over your crust spreading evenly and smoothly. Bake the cheesecake on the top rack of the preheated oven for 45 minutes noting that the centre of the cheesecake should be slightly soft. Allow the cheesecake to cool in the refrigerator for a minimum of four hours then cut it with a cold knife and wipe off excess cake in between cuts for a smooth clean line.
Zelda’s Butter Ripple Nog-tini by Zelda Angelfire, Patron saint of Zelda’s Living Well, 692 Yonge St If there is one shooter that I can never pass up, it’s butter ripple. If you’re also a fan of the sweet brown liquor, you’re in luck because here’s a drink recipe that will keep you toasty while you’re licking your lips for more. Ingredients: ½ shot of rum (dark rum or gold rum is best) ½ shot of butter ripple liqueur ¾ cup milk 1 egg 1 teaspoon of sugar ½ teaspoon of nutmeg Directions: Pour all the ingredients in a blender and blend. Pour the concoction into a cocktail shaker with ice cubes and shake well. Strain into a highball glass, sprinkle with nutmeg and serve it with a straw.

Heroine Marks is a fab columnist and is always up for some mistletoe action. Get more sass from this queen bee at heroinemarks.com.