Beach Party Bingo
Donnarama explores the sandy crevices of the groovy gay beach parties taking over Pride.

There are a ton of gay parties every summer but few ever happen on the beach. We Torontonians freeze most of the year, so when a sandy party comes along it’s hotly anticipated. Two beach parties are happening this June in Toronto, both over Pride and both promising to be gayer than the beach volleyball scene in Top Gun. The major tragedy is that they are both on the exact same day. That’s like booking a Lady Gaga and a Madonna concert on the same night. Choose one over the other and the pressure is enough to cause a public breakdown in either space suits and/or cone bras.

The two parties set to have a gay-off on Sat June 27 are Aqua at the Sunnyside Pavillion and The Beach Ball at Hanlan’s Point on Toronto Island. The promoters of The Beach Ball and Aqua know all too well that the boys are sussing out each party’s offerings and evaluating their fierce factor. Aqua is one of the staples of event producer Prism’s ultra-popular Pride week party line-up and it’s been a hit since 2006. The Beach Ball, after its packed August premiere last year, is back for Pride following a stint in Puerto Vallarta. How do you choose between two equally bent beaches?

Beach Ball promoter Joseph Patrick, who also had success this year with his porn star profi ling Dirty Sexy Party, alleged on facebook that DSP was the number one party in the city last year. This caused a full frown from Aqua promoter Gairy Brown, one of the city’s most recognized club creators, who responded online with “...number one party? I don’t think so... Watch and learn.” fab’s Daniel Paquette gave the party of the year title to Prism’s Babylon Pride party last year while giving Patrick the nod for best new promoter. Both winners, both fab, but either way the gloves are off.

Held on opposite sides of the city, both party locations are lovely and easily recognizable outdoor spaces. Both are a bit tricky to get to however, the Beach Ball requires a quick (included in your admission) ferry ride over to Toronto Island and Aqua is far out in the West End but is offering a complimentary shuttle bus from the Barn. Warm relaxing breezes, sandy scenic views, and towel spots surprisingly free of bottles, empty baggies and cigarette butts are guaranteed on both counts. For out of town visitors it will be clear Amy Winehouse has yet to vacation on any GTA beach.

Aqua lands on actual sand for the first time with an offi cially licenced beach area featuring superb design promised to wow. The theme this year is Miami, one of the most celebrated party locations in the world, and it’s being brought to TO with outlandish decor from Miami’s own RKM for that touch of authenticity. “We’re giving it a whole new look and feel: very stylish, very inviting and fresh,” says Brown. Expected to draw hundreds of beach boys, this venue has the capacity to accommodate over a thousand visitors giving you an idea of the kind of space you’ll have to work it with. With over 1,500 tickets already sold for Prism’s weeklong offerings and an estimated attendance of 3,000 for all their events in total, Prism may be the queen of spectacles again this year.

Patrick and his crew at The Beach Ball will also deliver authenticity plus the chance for some serious outdoor frolicking. The filthy advantage for Patrick is that Hanlan’s is a clothing optional beach with a sweaty reputation as a prime summer cruising spot. With trees to tuck behind, prepare to get sand on your knees and in your behind. The Beach Ball’s location is equally primed for hundreds of attendees with space to spare described by Patrick as “50,000 Square Feet of FUN IN THE SUN!” Patrick’s event is also officially recognized by Pride Toronto and has a unique historical tie-in because in 1971, Hanlan’s Point is where the first Canadian gay beach party, “The Big Gay Picnic,” was held. It is considered by some, including late local gay historian Rick Bébout, as the first unofficial Pride event ever for the homos of Toronto. Historical realness, say what?

On the musical front top DJs are being brought in to heat things up by both teams. Aqua is offering up Mexico’s fantastic Isaac Escalante and international scene favourite Brett Henrichsen. The Beach Ball is rolling out NYC’s Scotty Thomson, the city’s new it-boy DJ who apparently wows homos when he spins in a tight Speedo, showcasing his 12-inch vinyl. The Beach Ball also features locals like DJ Sumation and DJ Iron Mike in an enjoyable showcase of Toronto’s own booth talent.

But as the theatre fags would say, what about the show darling?

Aqua has a swimsuit runway event by local designers Skmpeez and believe me the name says it all. Expect tasty bulges. Aqua will also have a myriad of models, fashions and club decor courtesy of style guru Ed Hardy. Expect ripped skaters and rhinestones and tigers, oh my! But “snap” as the paparazzi say, The Beach Ball has a little skin of its own in store. The Beach Ball will also feature a swimwear show, this one brought to you by underwear genius Andrew Christian who is one of the many sponsors of the Ball. Patrick is also exercising his porn connections, booking a special steamy beach performance from cockyboys. com’s Jesse Santana. Either way, prepare for beach boners and remember jerking off with sand is a great exfoliate.

So, then does it come down to who has the best queens?

Aqua brings Grammy Award winning diva Kelly Rowland to the beach in a last-minute addition just before fab’s press deadline. This former Destiny’s Child queen will definitely get the boys freaking out on the island.

Patrick went out of his way to seek Amy and ended up with Derrick Barry, the shockingly spot-on Britney Spears impersonator who has been seen on America’s Got Talent and The Tonight Show. It’ll be actually quite remarkable to see what Britney looks like when she’s not sedated or overwhelmed by pot smoke, Valium, Cheetos and her rebellious pussy. Don’t expect anything sedate from Aqua’s drag programming because Dance Camp favourite Cassandra will have her shining moment in the sun with her aquatic superhero-inspired show. She tells me she plans to “bring it on, big time.” I expect those skimpy costumes of hers will fall off to reveal even skimpier costumes in the blistering heat.

But what’s that? Is that the sounds of drama? Is it a coincidence that Cassandra, who got her first big gig at his Beach Ball last year, is performing for Aqua. ”Well, not to point things out,” Patrick smiles,” but, yes there are a lot of coincidences, what’s most important to remember however is that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.” The Detroit native wanted to start a summer party in a unique environment and maybe his fun and exciting alternative inspired a face-lift for Aqua. Everybody wins. I say there’s enough room for two and I’m not just referring to my dildo collection, both events are equally as giving.

Prism and the Aqua party have chosen to support the 519 as their charity of choice in an effort to give to those who need a different kind of gay experience in their life. The Beach Ball too hopes to bring some love to those in need of more than just a new swimsuit. Patrick is adamant about raising funds for those who require more support than a jock strap can offer as a portion of the Beach Ball’s proceeds will go to ACT, the Aids Committee of Toronto.

Aside from all the competitiveness and catwalking, gay people will be doing what we do best once again this year; shaking our waxed asses for something fun and righteous. I’m sure the parties will draw a lot of queeny commentary simply because they are pitted against each other. But everyone who goes to either party will laugh, dance, drink and puke ’til they collapse in their own or someone else’s bed from exhaustion still full of fond and fuzzy memories. Life’s a beach, just don’t get crabs. Snap, snap.

Total Beach Tips from Donnarama

All right, everything I say is a lie, it’s all about what you’ll be wearing. Stuck like a wedgie in the hot sun for a cool new look? Wow the party crowd with some festive fashion tips. Don’t let the recession or just plain laziness stop you from realizing your potential and true sense of fierce. Be a beach blanket bozo no more.

1) Lick Me - Two cones from that ice cream truck can become a John Paul Gaultier Madonna bra and all for under five dollars. You’ll be a hit with your “Cone-fessions on A Beach Floor.”

2) Nice Balls - Think Lady Gaga. A space alien beach ball dress can be all yours with some dollar store shopping and fishing wire. The boys will drop their poker faces and be hooked on your inventive style. Just watch as the compliments bounce your way.

3) Hot Dawg - An exciting alternative to a g-string or sexy little Speedo is putting your wiener in a hot dog bun to avoid an unsightly sunburn. $2.50 for standard and $3.50 for a Italian sausage. It’ll last all day or until the ho next to you gets hungry. Cheese not always included or recommended.

4) The Pollution Solution - Some of you may know that it’s not the greatest idea to jump into the waters of Lake Ontario. You may go in looking like Nina Arsenault and come out as Susan Boyle. But being offbeat is suddenly back in style though so this is your quickest mutation solution for a last minute makeover. Just don’t be a flake at the lake.

Aqua is from 1-8pm on Sat June 27 at Sunnyside Pavillion, 1755 Lakeshore Blvd W, $30. Info: prismtoronto.com

The Beach Ball is from 12-8pm on Sat June 27 at Hanlan’s Point on Toronto Island (ferry docks are at 9 Queens Quay W), $25. Info: beachballparty.com

Donnarama is the Annette Funicello of our time, minus the raging virginity and camel toe.