PRIDE FASHION FAUX PAS
Every year we see more and more fashion crimes committed in the name of Pride. With so many offending outfits and atrocious accessories everywhere, who can we depend on to show offenders the true scope of their visual assaults? fab saw a light at the end of the tunnel courtesy of celebrity stylist/scene whore Maha and ultra-fashionista/clubland superhero Christabel who gave us these warnings, musings and suggestions aimed at this year’s top 10 worst Pride outfit choices.



Thongs
Thongs are more aggressive, annoying and stuck up your ass than a Matt Sims Facebook request. It would be mildly acceptable for someone who went to the gym five times a week but they are mostly worn by people who avoid the gym seven days a week. If you’re going to go Emperor’s New Clothes a piece of dental floss is a total cop-out.

Fanny packs
I secretly love them. Fanny packs are actually fierce because it’s not a murse. They’re not those tacky fucking Gucci man purses that are just for hairdressers on their smoke breaks. Fanny packs are fun and fashionable unless your ass is big enough to eat them. Also, if you’re a twink and your fanny pack is bigger than your fanny that’s no good, they’re not implants. They transcend time, place and age as a universally timeless accessory.

Overalls
When you take them off but you still look like you’re wearing them that’s trouble. But at least before your boyfriend gets out of the bathroom line you could have a five-way orgy and be dressed again before he gets back. That’s a plus.

Cutoffs
I’m picturing the hottest guy I know in cutoff shorts and it doesn’t work. Pride outfits should never be just tearing up your old 501s. Even Mariah Carey doesn’t look good in them. They’re worn by people who won’t commit to hot pants because they think they look too gay and think that because they’re made from denim that it makes that look more manly. Only good for the follow-up Hassle Free visit to air out one’s junk.

Spandex
It’s fun in a Cock Sportif jock way but some people who wear it are really testing the ergonomics of Lycra. It’s a privilege not a right and not to be used as control top pantyhose for men.

Nudity
Mostly seems like old guys who forgot they left the house with no pants on. Lube is not an acceptable clothing option.

Lazy drag
It’s the equivalent of putting sunglasses on your dog and laughing at it. It’s just a last ditch attempt at looking like you’re fun and interesting. Adding excessive amounts of blush does not count for full-face makeup. If you can’t afford to buy a wig at full retail price you shouldn’t be a drag queen. It’s like seeing the after but with no before.

Matching outfits
People who dress like their boyfriend are true narcissists. It takes go fuck yourself to a whole new level plus it reads like a form of stamping ownership on your man. When gays start dressing like old people from Florida then the entirety of gay life is bound to collapse in on itself.

Crocs
Crocs are bad, Crocs with socks are bad, and Crocs with stickers are bad, two-dollar shoes shouldn’t have their own wardrobe. They’re only okay to be worn by people under the age of two or people working in a medical environment. Basically you should be quarantined because nobody should see you in them. I run from people in Crocs like I’d run from an actual crocodile.

Rainbow accessories
I can think of tons of much better uses for rainbow beads than draping them around my neck. Pride is much better to be worn on the inside and one should avoid looking like the leprechaun at the end of the rainbow.

Thongs
Unless you have a fantastic gym body and are totally super-fitness then thongs are to be avoided. It is more advisable to just wear nothing and contribute to gratuitous nudity because you’re nearly nude anyway.

Fanny packs
Fanny packs are O-U-T out! Were they ever in? Fanny Packs do nothing but add bulk to either your midsection or your rear end section and not in a positive way. Do what I do and grab a clutch. You can wave and dangle it all around you thus distracting your audience from focusing on your problem areas.

Overalls
If you absolutely must wear overalls then it’s best to hide the fact as much as possible. Once you’ve selected a pair that looks as little like overalls as possible, select a mask to wear just in case someone does realize that you are wearing overalls.

Cutoffs
The whole point of cutoffs or short-shorts is to show off your ass. A better way to show off your ass is with just a trusty pair of fishnet stockings and a sports cup. It’s the wave of the future so you better show off your assets while you’ve got them.

Spandex
Spandex is back and not in a good way. The thing with spandex is that you need total body coverage to have the effect be right. Most people fall very short of this minimum requirement.

Nudity
Unattractive nudity can be spruced up by applying what we in the high tech scientific fashion world call a monochromatic colour schema. This effect is achieved through a very complicated process called Scientific Hi-Lighting Optic Neutrino Gamma or S.H.L.O.N.G. for short. By rubbing S.H.L.O.N.G. all over our body we achieve the desired monochromatic color schema which thins and hides blemishes.

Lazy drag
We all have bad drag days, me especially. You roll out of bed and have no time to shave or style the wig before you start the day. No problem: wear a mask. Everyone will think you are so mysterious. Who is that masked beauty? It’s just you hiding the cold sore that no amount of pan stick or lipstick could cover. I don’t think I’ve shown my face in public since 1996.

Matching outfits
Wearing matching outfits to profess to the world your love for your lover, partner, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, trick or whatever you’re calling each other is so tacky. To really express to everyone how you must do absolutely everything together, like shopping, sleeping, dressing, socializing, eating, drinking and shitting.

Crocs
Crocs or those Jellyfish plastic shoes just don’t cut it any season. If you really want to be cutting edge fashion you need to sport a full on fishtail, complete with wheelchair accessory. You’ll be the envy of all your friends when they see a big, burly land mammal pushing your fishy ass through Yorkville or just to the boulangerie.

Rainbow accessories
Every year people drag out all their tired old rainbow Pride accessories. We saw the rainbow rings, the flags, the T-shirts, the patches, the wife beaters, the underwear, the cock rings, and even the rainbow tampon, but it’s been a long time since we’ve seen any really new and exciting rainbow accessories aside from the rainbow iPod covers.



Matt Thomas is a fab associate editor and is convinced the antichrist would sport a thong.