A guide to bathhouse etiquette
by Lance Lamore

As a former bathhouse slut (over 1000 served), I’ve come to realize that many men who go to the sauna are not so savvy when it comes to bathhouse etiquette. This might be because some are straight-identified, nervous, inexperienced, or just plain out to lunch. Since Pride is coming up and it happens to be one of the busiest times of the year for saunas, now is the perfect time to hone your bathhouse etiquette. Here’s a handy list of tips to help make the experience more fun for everyone. (Tape this to your refrigerator or keep it in your wallet for quick consultation.)

1. If you’re planning to go to the nearest bathhouse during Pride, go early, or you may end up without a room or a locker.

2. If you’re unsure of anything, it’s always best to ask. Don’t be afraid to ask questions of the staff or potential sexual partners – e.g., where are the bathrooms? What are you into sexually? What’s the policy on not wearing a towel?

3. One “No, thank you” should suffice. “No, thank you” means “You do not have my permission to enter my room, touch me, follow me or try to persuade me to have sex with you.”

4. It is always a good idea to ask, “Can I come in?” before entering someone’s room.

5. If you are playing with your cock while looking into someone’s room and he responds by showing you his cock and playing with it, or playing with his ass, then it’s a good indication he’s into playing with you. If he covers up with a towel when he sees you, then it means you are not welcome and should move on.

6. If someone is lying on his bed on his stomach with his ass exposed, then you are looking at a bottom. If you enter his room, you should be prepared to fuck him. If you turn him over and try to get him to fuck you, then you are barking up the wrong tree.

7. If you are looking for a conversation and receive one-word responses, chances are the other person does not share your need for conversation. Some people talk before, during or after fucking, and some don’t talk at all. Pay attention to the signals.

8. If you are having unprotected sex with someone, you would be wise to assume that the other person has HIV or other STIs, and be prepared to deal with the consequences of unprotected sex. Some men lie about their HIV status, and many others do not know they’re positive. If you are HIV-negative, you might want to ask yourself if you are willing to take the chance and have unprotected sex (for negative men, other STIs could be just the gateway HIV needs to enter your body). If you are positive, you might want to ask yourself if you’re willing to put yourself at risk of reinfection and contracting other STIs that could complicate your health.

9. If you enter a room or someone enters your room and there is a request that the door be left open, then one of you is an exhibitionist or would like others to pass by and potentially join in.

10. Be aware that you are entering an environment where some men may be drunk, on drugs or both. Some drunken guys may not get hard, so if this is going to be a problem for you, be forewarned that unless you are assertive in saying goodbye, you may be playing with his wet noodle for a while.

11. You may be offered drugs. Saying no is an option, but if you say yes, be aware of potential consequences. If you are HIV-positive and on medication, keep in mind that drugs can interact with your meds. Ask your doctor about potential side effects of party drugs before you go out. Party drugs can also increase your willingness to take risks during sex.

12. If at any point you feel uncomfortable, tired or bored, don’t be afraid to say that you would like to stop or take a break.

13. If you feel forced or coerced in any way, do not be embarrassed to yell for help. Staff and other patrons will hear you.

14. If you’re a bottom, for god’s sake, douche your ass before going to the bathhouse, unless you’re into scat and looking for someone else into scat. Douche bags can be bought at any drugstore. Simply fill with warm water, douche and repeat until there is no more brown and the water runs clear.

15. You paid to get in, but that doesn’t mean you have to have sex. If you’re not interested in anyone, you don’t have to have “settle sex.” Feel good about yourself and just go home.

16. Remember that you are there to enjoy your body and the bodies of others. Treat each other with respect and have fun.

17. Lastly, whether or not you support the idea of bathhouses, they exist and people frequent them, so lighten up already and enjoy yourself. Have a happy Pride.

Lance Lamore is a Montreal writer.