What is eye black?

I’m pretty sure it is just upside-down eye shadow for straight, sports-playing dudes and their fans. Google teenaged Mormon hottie Bryce Harper, a baseball player for the Washington Nationals. He doesn’t just wear eye black; he drags it down his face in what appears to be an attempt to look more like a superhero, but it really just makes it look like he’s been wearing mascara and watching Beaches on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

I don’t blame him, because wearing makeup can be fun, but I’m told by a sports journalist friend that eye black is used to keep the sun’s glare from bouncing off your cheeks into your eyes. Umm, if you take just a minute to reflect on that, you’ll realize it’s utterly preposterous; sure, we all have to deal with occasional excessive shine, but has anyone actually had a problem seeing because of sun-cheek glare? Bitch, please.

You might be familiar with Toronto Blue Jay Yunel Escobar’s recent scandal, when he wrote “Tu ere maricon” into his eye-black patches, and the ensuing debate where he, and fellow players like José Bautista, defended his use of the word, saying that it is commonly used and not particularly offensive. I can’t comment as to whether “maricon,” which translates as “faggot,” is offensive or not, but Escobar did get banned for three games. I suppose it’s somewhat amusing to think that his shade threw shade. My advice to Yunel: you’re a spring colour, so next time try a pastel green instead. — Will Eagle