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It is so hot. Sporting a pair of mesh tearaway pants I dash into Goodhandy’s for Dirty Sexy Fridays. Held the second Friday each month it is quickly becoming this year’s best new event. Seems that organizers Sofonda and Joseph Patrick knew that the lure of seeing a real live porn star, coupled with go-go boys in sports wear and DJ Vivi Diamond’s intelligent dance music, would be a huge draw. Speaking of huge, my belief is that if you are Chris Rockway, the flavour du jour, and are not big when soft, you simply shouldn’t be soft when shaking your flaccid cocktail weenie in the faces of cock crazed boys like Adam Stacey. “Why can’t Remington’s be like this? All sleazy like!” he asks wide-eyed and drooling. While the young ones dance below, older gents, many of who pay an extra $10 to get all up in Chris’s business for a private show later, watch from the balcony. Chris BTW starts his set off late because one fan insists on an ultraprivate show. We got sloppy seconds!

• It is so hot. Slipping into a snug fitting leopard patterned g-string and matching kaffiyeh I dip into Gaza Strip Club. Maclean’s columnist Mitchel Raphael sums it up best. “This is Vazaleen’s bastard love child that Will Munro left on Buddies doorstep.” Where else in the village are you likely to see a black man in red floral toga and cowboy hat dance with a skinny white guy in a mini dress, blonde wig and beard? Half bar party, half performance art fair, the night is fascinating to watch as hairy drag host Andrew Harwood engages the audience in a sloppy, unhealthy game of bobbing for Jack Daniels. Adding humourous performances are drag queens Sharon Mirrors (Mitsou on crack), the hairy chested Faye Slift and the infamous Gartina who sings live. On the current state of genderfucking, Gartina muses, “I respect those who have gone under the knife. It’s beautiful and sexy.” Suffer the pretty.

• It is so hot. Covering my goods in a fashionable fur Speedo I head over to Bear Night. For almost five years Toronto’s bears and their abundant admirers have called Friday nights at O’Grady’s home. Steve Buczek, started the night as a place for older men to get together and socialize…without those man-purse carrying Goldilocks-ghetto-fags stealing all the attention. It’s like a hairier, heavier Woody’s. Having rested up from a wild Pride weekend, Steve is still raving about Lena Love’s live sex performance which she thought he would hate. “I was blown away. I got both good and bad reactions from people but the shock value was worth it.”

• It is so hot. Squeezing into my juiciest lime green short shorts I peel into Grapefruit to catch Donnarama’s performance. When she hits the stage for Shane Percy’s monthly retro party I always fear for the audience. Luckily, this time she doesn’t harm anyone by tossing out pieces of KFC but treats us to a confusing performance which involves her clogging (in real Dutch clogs) while a Spanish flamenco guitarist serenades the crowd. After six years the party is still strong, drawing in lushes and lads alike. On his night’s continued success, Shane proudly says, “There is so much juice left in this fucking piece of fruit.” Cool.

rolyn chambers
deepdish@fabmagazine.com