Dirty Sexy Party
Fri, Nov 2 at fly
Sesame Street Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash was recently, and wrongly, accused of having an “improper relationship” with a 16-year-old boy. I, on the other hand, had a dirty one-night stand with Oscar the Grouch. We bump into each other at Dirty Sexy Party at fly nightclub. New York go-go dancers/porn guys Rogan Richards, a brown-haired “total top who loves dragons,” and blond boy Tommy (who worked out at the Summerhill GoodLife while they were in town) warm up the crowd by oiling each other up. Their show is brought to us by the letters O and K. Main attraction James Huntsman (who once tweeted, “Don’t sit on this dick if you’re afraid of mountains”) takes the stage later; he almost needs a security detail with the number of hands grabbing his goods. It’s like a feeding frenzy, a sea of hungry guppies surrounding me. But what happens later on the dancefloor and in the many darkened corners as a result of the show is almost as interesting. Yes, OGro is a bit smelly. But I’m a star-fucker.
Business Woman’s Special
Sat, Nov 10 at augusta house
Turns out Oscar the Grouch is a bit too filthy to be seen with in public, so I take Ernie to Business Woman’s Special’s third-anniversary party. He’s got this wild streak, and his striped sweater is very hipster-hot right now. April Wozny, the hottest hostess ever, greets us wearing a furry, backless sweater that reminds me of Oscar. “I’m barebacking it tonight,” she laughs. Ernie doesn’t get it. While grooving on the dancefloor to DJs Phil V, Nino Brown and Sammy Rawal, we bump into Michael Pihach, who is so animated Ernie thinks he needs his own Saturday-morning cartoon. Before an offer can be made, Mozza Fierce (formerly of The Cheeto Girls) begins her show. Dressed as a cop, she channels Britney circa MTV Video Music Awards 2007. “We all had names that incorporate cheese and a celebrity,” Mozza explains. “Mine is mozzarella and Beyoncé’s alter ego, Sasha Fierce.” Ernie doesn’t get. Again. Yes, he’s dumb. But you can fit a fist down his throat.
Dare Arts Foundation Fundraiser
Fri, Nov 9 at TIFF Bell Lightbox
Ernie broke up with me and went back to Bert so my date for the Dare Affair 3 at The TIFF Bell Lightbox is Grover. He’s very good with kids and this charity event raises funds for the Dare Arts Foundation, which for the last 16 years has been helping at risk youth from high priority neighborhoods. It’s an intimate crowd in the Oliver & Bonacini’s Malaparte, a beautiful white room on the 6th floor. Performing are slew of people I’ve never heard of before but I’m glad to hear them tonight, especially beat boxer, Scott Jackson. I’ve seen beat boxers before but none that could actually sing...while creating beats with his mouth. Incredible. Ernie got a little crush. “Imagine all he things he could do with his lips,” I say with a wink. “I’ve been doing this since I was 15,” the now 25-year-old Jackson tells us as he heads out to anther event. “Its all a bout breath control and singing in between the beats. Very tantric. We listen as singer/song writer Jessica Blake serenades the room with her guitar and watch as Supernaturalz B-Boy Crew attempt to get the party going with some free-style moves. It's one of those events that as the night goes on and more alcohol gets consumed the bolder the single straight women get. It can be flattering at fist but dangerous near the end.
Daddy Next Door
Fri, Nov 2 at Wayla
Grover was a bit too hyper for me so I’m now hitting it hard with Kermit. We’re hiding from Miss Piggy in the east end tonight at Dwayne Minard’s monthly party at WAYLA, Daddy Next Door. Minard's been spinning for years so I can always count on him for some great track choices. Thanks for satisfying my Nicki fix. But for those unaware, Minard is also a talented producer who is behind some great songs and remixes including one of my favourite now defunct Toronto bands, Brother Love Canal. He also went by the name DJ Control Top back in the day. Worst stage name ever. I think he was just trying to get the word out. Like a red hanky in your left pocket. How 1970s Castro. Tonight is a good turnout out. Daddies and daddy lovers, like model agent Alan Thomas who is here with some cute young thing, cram the tiny dance floor. “We’re both daddy hunting,” Thomas says with straight face. I’m not quite sure if I’m a daddy yet or a daddy lover. I feel kind of stuck in the middle like an unwanted uncle. That is until Kermit invites me back to his lily pad. Shhhh...don't tell that pig. —Rolyn Chambers