Not as fun as nerd bukkake

I spent the last few weeks cavorting with my old friend Willem, tearing a path through Luminato, NXNE, the G20 fuckfest and, finally, Pride. Where to begin? Willem arrived the same day the producers of the upcoming South Pacific held a preview. Director Bartlett Sher told the crowd that this new production restores much of the controversial race relations stuff that Rodgers and Hammerstein were forced to cut from the original Broadway run. It’s on from Thursday, Aug 12 to Sunday, Sept 5 at the Four Seasons Centre for the Performing Arts. “Mmm,” drooled Willem. “Lots of bare-chested sailors. I am so there.” We also can’t wait for the remount of Miss Saigon, also at the Four Seasons, that runs until Sunday, August 1.

We enjoyed all the free concerts. We saw Lea DeLaria twice, at both Luminato and on Pride Day. “Lea can really sing,” said Willem. “She looks like Jackie Gleason but sounds like Ella. It’s a pity the Pride committee scheduled her show opposite the parade, ensuring that no one would be there.” We also had fun at NXNE’s Iggy and the Stooges show at Dundas Square, not that we could see anything with all those stupid corporate tents completely obscuring the view of the stage. And that big Cyndi Lauper Pride concert, where she did nothing but blues tunes, left us singing the blues.

We squeezed in a visit to St Marc Spa to see the rooms decorated by various local artists. “Loved the superhero bedroom [by Brad Fraser],” declared Willem, “and also the one where they recreated 9/11 using toy planes and a locker [by Donnarama], but the one that looks like a cabin with wood-plank walls and burlap curtains [by Shane MacKinnon]? That was the only one you could actually fuck in.” Then it was off to Spa Excess for pornducer.com’s annual live porn shoot, featuring a beefed-up Sam Swift. Willem enjoyed it, but said it’s not nearly as good as his current favourite from dirtytony.com, Nerd Bukkake. I met a fascinating guy that night, a construction worker who had recently fallen nine stories and lived to tell. He landed on his face, losing most of his teeth, and yet I still was hot for him. Later, I caught him at the urinal and noticed that he was pissing through a catheter. That cooled my ardour.

Finally came the big day. “I’m all for businesses making a few bucks at Pride,” griped Willem, “but is it really fair for the convenience store at the corner of Alexander and Church to charge $9.35 for two bags of chips?” The parade hadn’t even started when Willem turned to me and said, “I’ve had it with all the woo people. You know, the ones who yell ‘Woo’ at everything. Where are my earplugs?” He also demanded a moratorium on the suffix “icious,” as in Girlicious or Winterlicious. “That trend is positively vomitlicious,” he said. He was excited, however, by the fact that Queen Elizabeth was in town during Pride, and somehow thought she’d be marching with us queens. “I want to blast Her Majesty with a water gun,” he enthused.

Nothing filled me with more pride than seeing my buddies Todd Klinck, Mandy Goodhandy and the Scorpio Twins leading the parade. They reminded us all of what Pride Day is really about: sex. Willem also loved the censorship furor over the group Queers Against Israeli Apartheid. “Free speech is the new black,” he said, watching them come down the street. “Hey, aren’t those all the same activists who protest Ann Coulter, Fred Phelps and Beenie Man?”

The whole kerfuffle has inspired Willem to march in next year’s parade with his new group, Queers Against Every Fucking Thing Ever. “We meet on Facebook,” he told me. “Only really angry people are allowed to join because, honey, without umbrage we are nothing. And even though they have nothing to do with it, somehow or other we will find a way to insult the Jews.” Wow, I can hardly wait for next year. I’m sure it will be vomitlicious.

More Bellini at paulbellini.blogspot.com
paul@fabmagazine.com