I’d often wondered what it would be like to be a bartender, and the Retro Cocktail Workshop at the Cosmopolitan Hotel teaches me how. We each have a table stocked with bottles of Three Olives Vodka (root beer, bubblegum and Tang flavours) and The Kraken Black Spiced Rum. We also have all the necessary bar tools, like shakers and muddlers and citrus presses. We even have tiny graters for grating fresh nutmeg.

“Just experiment with whatever you have on hand, put them together and try!” encourages our mixologist, Rob Montgomery, from amidst retro touches like Slinkys and View-Masters. We make our own eggnog using raw eggs and The Kraken, then garnish with ground nutmeg and ground gingerbread cookies. Delightful. Next, we tackle an old-fashioned, using the Three Olives Root Beer, and a mojito, using the Three Olives Rangtang. Finally, we whip up a bubble cosmo with the Three Olives Bubble. We garnish the rim of the glass with some liquid honey and Pop Rocks. My attempt is oh so sloppy, but I still drink it. Why waste?  

The Retro Cocktail Workshop teaches me that while it’s fun to mix drinks, it is certainly not necessary. Expensive booze is often enjoyed neat. This is definitely the case with Four Roses Bourbon, an American classic with a vaguely feminine name. Brand ambassador Jim Rutledge, a true Southern gentleman, drops by the office to extol the virtues of this fine beverage. True bourbon hails from Kentucky and is aged in new oak barrels that are meticulously charred on the inside. The barrels are used only once and then shipped to Scotland or Barbados to be used for aging other spirits.

I admire how well Jim is holding up, considering all the pictures of naked men that hang on the walls of the Pink Triangle Press boardroom. “As a master distiller, my focus has always been on what goes into the barrel, not so much on what comes out,” he claims. Sweet as he is, Jim is also a bit dry. The closest he comes to an interesting story is telling me that Sylvester Stallone drinks Four Roses in one of his Rocky films. After a rather long preamble, Jim finally allows me a taste. We swirl it in the glass, observing the “legs.” Then we sniff it to judge the “nose.” However, even Jim admits that not everyone — for example, young women — will drink it straight, so he offers up a quick cocktail recipe involving lime juice, lemonade, orange juice, a splash of grenadine and some Four Roses. He calls it a roserita.

A similar thing happens when I meet Mount Gay Rum brand ambassador Chesterfield Browne. “The plantation was named for Sir John Gay Alleyne,” Chester explains. “So there is nothing gay about Mount Gay Rum. Not that we have a problem with that. But in 1801, gay definitely was not gay,” he says, with too much certainty. Mount Gay is the oldest rum in the world. Most amusing is the fact that they buy slightly used oak barrels from Kentucky bourbon makers in which to age their rum. It all comes full circle.

“Chocolate, coffee bean, cinnamon,” says Chester, as we sniff the insides of our glasses. “Also, new leather notes, lots of prune, raisin — reminds me of Christmas cake — some ripe banana...” He is definitely amusing himself. Finally, we are instructed to taste it.

“This is rum’s time,” he declares. I dare not disagree. But even Chester knows that party girls will not drink rum straight up, so he whips up his version of a mojito, which is quite good.

So, what did I learn? I learned that if you want to impress friends, buy some top-shelf hooch like the stuff mentioned in this column. And if you really want to be popular, learn how to mix it. I never met a mixologist I didn’t like.

paul@fabmagazine.com